submitted by Kyle of St Louis
This is a piece of my spiritual journey and a public declaration of my aspiration, which I would like to share with you, fellow travelers. May it bring benefit to some of you. The writing of it brought benefit to me. The timing and publication might seem random and mysterious but it is the result of someone recently causing me a great detail of pain. This pain led to reflections to make a change in my career and lean further into intentions of non-harm.
My story
When I was just a baby Buddhist, many years before meeting Bhante, I "met" my first real Dhamma teacher in a book store. His name was Ajahn Chah, and he never knew me. He was already dead by the time I encountered his teaching. But he was my first teacher, and there have been many others. Some days I wonder if he might become my last teacher, as I seem to have come full circle on a great many things.
My first book of Ajahn Chah's discourses was long ago, more than 20 years. It was, and still is, hard to find Dhamma in the middle of the USA all those years ago. I was raised Christian, by a mother who worked in a church. My best friends and primary circle of friends were all Christian. You can find a church on nearly every street corner in the midwest, but a Buddhist temple or a Buddhist friend? Very hard, even today.
In my teens I became disenchanted by Christianity's inability to answer a deep-seated question that wouldn't go away: why does suffering exist? I suppose the natural second half of the question was "and how do we end it?" but I was still stuck on that 1st and 2nd noble truth.
Despite this seeming lack of early access to a teacher, I can't deny I had a fortunate birth and was born into this world with a great many advantages. It was even an advantage that my natural gifts of various types were not overwhelmingly positive. They were balanced in such a way that they didn't shield me entirely from pain, and they didn't set me on some narrow path the way extreme genius or talent often can. But despite this positive start and an easier path than many, I struggled with the transition into adulthood.
As a young adult, I was poor, very poor by Western standards, and working ill-fitting jobs. Some of them were very physically demanding and some were even dangerous. Despite school being incredibly easy, and receiving a free scholarship to college, I just wouldn't attend class.
I was in a very long-term relationship, one that eventually lasted 17 years, but it could be incredibly toxic, painful, and damaging. That relationship left its marks, even the choice to end it. And I still carry that with me.
I was suffering, and in my suffering, sometimes I could be mean to those who would hurt me. Words were my weapon of choice, and I could use them well. I see now that I was easily hurt, and this was my temperament from an early age, but I quickly 'learned' how to protect myself.
Even worldly wisdom understands that sometimes people armor their heart against hurt, especially hurt from others, with harmful adaptations. From the earliest time I can remember it was my habitual response to get angry in response to painful experiences. Certainly it was not my habit to cry. I was a "fighter."
Enter TWIM (Tranquil Wisdom Insight Meditation)
Bhante Vimlaramsi, my TWIM teacher, would say, "meditation isn't just on the cushion... Meditation is life and life is meditation." Ajahn Chah would agree. And when he said, "If you haven't wept deeply, your meditation hasn't yet begun." He didn't mean your sitting session; he means your progress on the path and the unfolding of your spiritual development. Your life as a meditation practice.
I can't say for sure when I first cried because of this meditation we practice, but the one that sticks with me and that I remember like it was yesterday, happened 20 years ago after a powerful experience. It did not happen strictly along the 8 jhana path as taught by TWIM, although I had experienced all 8 jhanas, and I was reasonably proficient at them with breath as an object.
It happened after listening to a recording of Bhante reading the Six Sets of Six. I followed along closely with my mind as I listened, seeing its wisdom as he read, and then I sat after. This was no super long multi-hour sit, and I was not on retreat. I sat perhaps for only 30 minutes before I had the experience. I think this is an important point for those of you who think the only productive sits are the multi-hour sits. Life is meditation when you are mindful.
As part of this profound experience, I had a vision of millions, billions, trillions (?) of beings being born and dying in the span of mere moments. It seemed to me like a Brahma-level view of existence, zoomed way out, on a different time scale, a complete picture of existence. Like holding the universe in the palm of your hand.
Did I really see these things and was I interpreting it correctly? I don't know, and it doesn't matter. In the equanimity of the jhana this was my understanding, and I became disenchanted, dispassionate, and my mind turned away from it and came in contact with a kind of experience/non-experience, that seemed like it was utterly deathless, timeless, without increase or decrease, radiant, and happy...
When the whole experience concluded on its own, my first reaction was to weep. I wept for the horror of existence and all those beings I saw suffering and being born only to die. The tears only lasted for perhaps a few seconds, not very long, but there was tremendous sadness. There was sadness, even after this amazing experience, but the sadness was not for myself.
And how extraordinary, this reaction! I was this angry, twisted up guy in the toxic relationship, who couldn't even attend class or take his dog for a walk... I wept for the suffering of all beings on a cosmic scale and thought nothing of myself in that moment.
Although I choose not to describe the experience in detail, I will say that it matches quite closely to descriptions by some who might consider themselves arahats (which I do NOT consider myself to be). There have been many times of profound change in the nature of my experience, some of which lasted for quite a while, when I thought I was this or that or whatever. But ultimately life would show me I would be wrong at some time later, sometimes much later.
Ajahn Chah would say on such things that our attitude should be "it's uncertain." He's quoted as saying: "Think you're a stream winner? Uncertain. Once-returner? Uncertain. Anagami? Uncertain. Arahant? VEEEEERY uncertain." I would add a question... "Are you suffering? If yes, then more work to do. If no, then wait and see."
But for certain, after this experience, a great many positive things started to sort themselves out in my life. After 6 years of wandering through college barely making progress, I wrapped everything up in 2 years at full speed, no issues. After graduation I was employed within 2 months. I later got a second bachelors degree, paid for by my employer, and a masters from Harvard, also paid for by my employer. My income doubled, tripled, then ultimately quadrupled within 5 years or so and continued to grow significantly after. My living conditions improved, my working life was rewarding. I had good friends. Everyone was healthy. Other good things happened. This all unfolded naturally.
I don't know if this practice can lead to positive change in your circumstances the way it did for me, but I think it's likely. As David Johnson says in his book, 'The Path to Nibbana' it's possible "Worldly success will come as you achieve deep spiritual success." My understanding at that time wasn't especially deep, relative to what it would become, but certainly there was a lot of worldly success in a very short time.
Life was much easier but some things did not improve, or did so only minimally. I think most especially my relationship to myself were still very problematic. Because of those "lost" years, and all the pressures I put on myself and those received from family and society due to my unrealized 'potential,' I was very, very hard on myself and had very little tolerance for mistakes. Very little kindness or forgiveness for myself. I think in conventional terms I was a "high functioning person with depression" and remained so, in varying degrees, for a long time until more major experiences that were totally different. My depression appears to be completely gone now, but I'm taking that one day at a time and regarding it as 'uncertain' ;-)
There have been many tears shed as I've struggled to release expectations, dreams, plans for my life. They have been an underlying root of much irritation, impatience, and frustration towards others. Subtle attitudes of "IF I could do this, THEN I would be happy" which naturally lead to "if these people/situations/feelings block that from happening, then I can't be happy."
I could see very clearly how these beliefs were causing me to suffer, but I couldn't let go and kept trying to find that right combination where I could have 'everything' and lose 'nothing.' I think some of it was a trap of the intellect. When you're very clever at problem solving, you think everything can be solved. But sometimes you just need to let go.
I think the truth of it is this: our path is a path of loss. It is a shedding. It is a dying before death, dying many times. It is a Giving up, BY CHOICE, those things that death will force us to give up so that we can live fully present, now. We are dropping burdens, but those burdens have been dear to us and we mistakenly put our faith in them, but their loss still hurts and sometimes we might cry.
I cherished dreams, spent countless hours planning them, and then beating myself up for my inability to accomplish them or meet a standard or for not getting the results I wanted. These things were/are my torturers but I held on to them, a kind of internal Stockholm Syndrome. It often seemed, and seems, like my biggest lessons and kammic balances came when I thought I had finally 'arrived' at some good/stable/happy result and then BAM, within days or weeks I would realize what shaky ground that was all based on.
I have come to adopt another favorite quote from Ajahn Chah, "if you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go of everything, you will be completely free." Part of wisdom is learning what is meant by letting go and how to do it. TWIM is excellent at teaching this. It is not obvious at first. The other piece is finding what you're holding on to and applying the eightfold path without resistance and without seeking. That part is much more personal, and I believe made much harder by the fact that most of us lack regular, personal access to a spiritual friend or teacher who has been through it and is capable of assisting.
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This has been my journey, which is ongoing. I have learned many things. Re-learned many things, sometimes many, many times. I have written and then cut probably 2,000 additional words from this post, which I'm sure is hard to believe. But anytime I found myself straying from my own personal experiences I made every attempt to cut it. I have arrived at a point where it is my aspiration in this lifetime to embody the wisdom of the Simile of the Saw. No matter how much I hurt, I aspire to never intentionally harm another or to even fantasize about the harm of another. I aspire to never intentionally harm another, not in any way, to protect something for myself. I'm sure circumstances will test me on this, but it is my highest value and priority.
I invite you to join me on this aspiration if you feel your life and your practice would support it.
I think this path and this commitment may bring some pain. We will need to abandon that anger we use to blunt the pain from all the sharp edges in the world. There may be tears, and that's ok. Tears, without rumination, are preferred to anger and can be a release of sorts. But, it is a gift to the world, of the highest sort, to offer to it unconditional kindness.
Eventually, I believe, we will shed the beliefs and attitudes that don't support unconditional kindness, and then we will find that there is simply no other way to live. Until then, we remain a bright light in the world for all to see. Just because we are trying.
With metta,
Kyle
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